The Statistic I Never Wanted To Be

In the last US Census, it was determined that 30% of Americans have never been married. Since this is my last post of the season, I am just going to cut to the chase – I am single and I want to be married.

singlesticker2-448x300That sentence was a lot harder to type than you might imagine. It’s not easy to admit one’s desires in a public space where they are open for anyone to read and comment on. I have no interest into being part of the 30% and according this article, all signs point to the likelihood that marriage is in my future (I seriously considered joining the military for about 15 minutes to boost the probability). I thought about writing some deep, introspective thoughts regarding being 32 and single, but I already shared them on my personal blog here and here. Plus, if there is one thing I learned during “Teacher Boot Camp” (which I reflected on here, here and here) is that if you are going to survive any unwanted circumstance you have to laugh as much as you cry or you will never make it. So, today I am going to take a lighter approach to my current relational status.

Over the years I have been the recipient of a great deal of advice from well-intentioned folks who agree that marriage would be a good thing for me. Some of these comments have infuriated me and others have been down right hilarious, but most all of them can be encapsulated in this video I came across the other day…

Now, before you get ready to scroll down to the end of this post and tell me to join a single’s group at my local mega church or encourage me by telling me how God must have someone very special in store for me, let me give you a little background information. I grew up in the church and was active in both my youth group and college group, I have served in ministries locally and internationally, I went to Seminary for three years, and was on staff at an awesome church. Needless to say, I have placed myself in every opportune place to meet eligible bachelors. Since I am not really into the idea of an arranged marriage (although, as the years pass by I am finding myself more open to options I wouldn’t have previously considered), I reluctantly joined eHarmony. Somehow, I just couldn’t get past the guy who posted in his profile that he could hold a quarter with his abs and never did understand why every guy seemed to post pictures of themselves with random children who weren’t theirs. I have had some friends meet their spouses through the current online dating scene and I was completely supportive of them, but it just isn’t my gig.

The other reality is that 98% of my friends are married or about to be and about 98% of their friends are married or about to be. While I certainly don’t lack desire, opportunity is perpetually elusive. On a particularly frustrating day last year, I met with my former counselor and he posed this question to me, “Could you be married right now if you wanted to be?” I initially thought the answer was “no.” However, he helped me to see that I could, in fact, be married but as it turns out I do have some standards when it comes to a spouse which makes the entire process of dating even more frustrating exciting interesting challenging.

I have prayed, waited, begged, pleaded, cried, surrendered, released, and invited others into this space with me downloadbut, alas, I am still single. Perhaps it is time to take a new angle. Since online quizzes have become so popular it only seemed a matter of time before someone invented a site with dating profiles based entirely on quiz results. I decided to go ahead and create a beta version for this post. Below, you will find the results to 12 quizzes that I thought provided a pretty holistic snapshot of who I am. I included links to each of the quizzes I took so that in case you happen to be reading this, are a single dude, and are intrigued by my results, you can take the same quizzes to see if we might be compatible. Without further ado…I present to you my dating profile:

#1: What hair color suits me best?
AUBURN – You are carefree and light-hearted. Nothing seems to stress you out or push your buttons. You can easily calm the tensest of situations, and your friends are always glad to have you close by whenever they are in trouble.

#2: What kind of best friend am I?
THE LOYAL ONE – You take the word “friend” seriously. You are loyal to the end and expect the same from your friends. You will drop your plans, stick your neck out, and swallow your pride to keep your friends happy. Your friends are lucky to have you!

#3: What one word describes me best?
COMPASSIONATE – You are a truly kind person. You are always thinking about other people and those around you are always drawn to you when they are troubled. Remember not to always put yourself last.

#4: What flower am I?
DAISY – You are cheerful and fun. Though most people are drawn to you for your bubbly personality, there is far more to you than meets the eye.

#5: What is my outlook on life?
AN OPTIMIST – You see the world through rose-colored glasses. You always look on the bright side, even in the middle of the darkest night. If someone pointed a gun right at your face, you’d honestly hope that on some level it meant they were happy to see you.

#6: What is my brain good at?
LINGUISTIC THINKING – You like to talk, listen, read, and write – and then talk some more. You express yourself in language and you think in language, too, rather than in images. You are intrigued not only by the meaning of words, but also the sound of them, and their rhythm. You are probably able to pick up foreign languages relatively easily.

#7: What color am I?
PURPLE – You don’t have an off-switch, and you are always up for the next adventure. You’re the go-to friend whenever there is a party or a sticky problem. You’re the first one to purchase a new gizmo or try a new restaurant. Your motto is – Why be dull?

#8: What is my purpose in life?
TO SPREAD JOY JUST BY EXISTING – Your purpose is to spread joy. And you’re already doing it. Just by existing. Your aura of joy is an undeniable joy force field that joys up everyone who dares step into your joy zone.

#9: How cool am I?
STRADDLING THE LINE BETWEEN COOL AND UNCOOL – Sometimes you do things that are legit cool. And then other times… you know what you’ve done. It definitely wasn’t cool. They should call you Johnny Cash because you walk the line between cool and just… something else.

#10: Which Hogwarts house do I belong in?
GRYFFINDOR – You have a heart of a lion. You never give up, never back down and give everything 100%. Good things happen to you because you fight for them. You stand up for yourself and for your friends because you believe in what is right. Your energy is magnetic and makes you a natural leader.

#11: Would I make a good wife?
THUMBS UP – You will be the faithful and understanding wife: the most practical type. You will go where he goes: do what he does. If he want kids, you’ll want kids. If he doesn’t, well, you’ll be just fine with that, won’t you? You are sweet, loyal, faithful, understanding, and you will do fine with almost any type of guy, as long as he loves you and is kind to you. Make sure he is a kind person. Any other kind will wear you down to nothing in time. Possibly the sweet, sensitive, and artistic type is for you! He’ll love you for your flexibility!

#12: What kind of parent will I be?
THE PERFECT PARENT – You have loved and cared for your child since day one. You tell them that can only ever try their best. Your very involved in their life, but you give them space. You punish them if they have done something bad and teach them right from wrong. You and your child are friends but you’re also the boss. Well done.

There you have it…maybe. There are no guarantees that this profile is accurate or true and the information is subject to change at any time. However, one thing is for sure – I am looking forward to one day moving from the 30% to the 70%!

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5 thoughts on “The Statistic I Never Wanted To Be

  1. LOVE IT. You are indeed a bright spirit, Vanessa. Thanks for being you and sharing your awesomeness. While the singles camp may not be the one you were hoping find yourself in at 32, and while 98% of your friends may be married, you do have some pretty good company—if I do say so myself. 🙂

  2. This line cracked me up: If someone pointed a gun right at your face, you’d honestly hope that on some level it meant they were happy to see you.

    And while I think that most of the quiz results are fairly accurate, I cannot disagree more with the “what kind of wife” result. Are you kidding me? You would definitely not be no pushover wife. No friggin way.

  3. The line about the gun was one of my favorites, too…because it was kind of true. Sort of 🙂

    And I totally agree…I won’t be no pushover wife! But, at least I will be the perfect parent. Not everyone can say that!

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