This is my last blog post of the season. Not only that, but this is my last blog post of all time. As you are all aware, in approximately 5 days, the end of the world will happen. I can’t think of a more pathetic, vanity-filled way to spend the last week of my existence besides blogging on the internet.
I’ve come to appreciate non-action end of the world movies over the past year, specifically where the world actually ends. Melancholia was a slow, dreadful beauty. Seeking a Friend for the End of the World foreshadowed the relational/social tension we are now all feeling. Obviously there is something very meta about it all and you have to wonder if Hollywood knew about the reality and severity of our current situation well before general public knowledge was released.
I’m not quite sure how this week is going to shake out personally. Most of us have been doing life as usual, not knowing what else to do, and holding out hope for that 1% chance that obliteration wasn’t imminent. But today’s early morning announcement from the United Nations confirmed our fate. The question is, “now what?” You can only cry so much.
Personally, I have three paths before me. Thinking about them has brought up some interesting philosophical observations about how important the will is… too bad it’ll all mean shit in 120 hours.
I could go the civil way, spending time with family and friends, eating good food, drinking good wine, having good fun together in our last days. Maybe.
Then there is the carnal path, abandon the kids, binge on everything my sensible self previously told me not to do, and have that threesome I’ve always wanted. Possibly.
Or perhaps the pious approach… a sandwich board with the Gospel on it that I’ll take to the streets for one last go. Question is, what Good News should I bring… probably not John 3:16… while I can justify love of the world as the destruction of it, that’s probably not an easy thing to resolve right now… should look for something quicker and easier.
Thing is, some type of final judgment already happened a couple months ago when the “official” release came out. We all felt it, religious and nonreligious alike. It was like faith was no more… not in the sense of the divine not existing, but more like anything you did from this point on doesn’t count one way or another… there is no “earning” anything anymore spiritually; there is no sincerity in “now I (want to) believe.” It was like you were dead, but not dead yet.
A couple friends asked me what I thought regarding the news and scripture. I told them that I’m a traditionalist at heart, still believing in the second coming, resurrection, a new heaven and new earth. Did I think this was it? Don’t know… I know enough about scripture that the way people interpret what God says isn’t typically what ends up happening in the way they thought it would. It’s all too surreal to think clearly about, really.
Naomi, my wife, isn’t sure what her exit-strategy will be either. When you think about dying you think about leaving a legacy behind, an honorable image of yourself that others will remember. But the annihilation we’re facing isn’t just death, it’s the non-existence of all life. Naomi said contemplating being undone herself is one thing, but compounding that thought with our daughters, as well as the other 7 billion people on earth, perishing in a matter of minutes, is just inconceivable.
Naomi’s not good with transition, but she’s aware of the time crunch and doesn’t want to waste what little is left meditating on what to do or not do. Tonight we promised to decide and let the other go whichever way they choose. The loss of inhibition isn’t as freeing as we thought it would be.
By the way, if you’re judging us right now, I have two things to say. First, you’re just as pathetic as me since you’re the one that’s reading on the internet during the last week of your existence you social retard. Secondly, you’re probably a moralistic-idiot-asshole who thought that they were going to live forever based off of how “good” you were, never giving death serious thought, never thinking that life could go on without humanity, as though we were the center of the universe.
But I digress… and there’s no time for that.
It’ll be hard if we leave our daughters this week… they’ve been so great during this time. Children will clap in awe of the world unraveled. Some bloggers rant how the biggest universal injustice with all this is that the kids won’t get a chance to really live. I disagree. The children are the blessed ones in the end of days. Adults are weighed down one way or another with the world ending, but kids… they just live… ignorant and innocent and still filled with so much life, even in their crying and fits and ridiculous questions and imaginations. We grown-ups are so plagued and debilitated with choice and how we’re doing to go out that it’s suffocating.
ah, shit. why am I still typing this…
I can’t deny that suicide has been on my mind… one last move of control… saying that I get to choose when I end rather than some cosmic kill.
are there wonders for the dead?
do the departed rise up?
is there truth in the grave?
is goodness known in the darkness?
is there beauty in the land of forgetfulness?
if only for this life I have hoped in Christ
I am to be pitied more than all.